Osborne admits economy 'a bit like a David Lynch film'

UK Chancellor George Osborne today admitted he found running the UK economy 'a bit like a David Lynch film,  frankly it leaves me confused.  I open up those economic reports and it may as well be David Bowie talking backwards whilst a dwarf stares out at me from behind a curtain. '

Osborne however insisted his economic programme would turn out as well as the Lynch directed Sci Fi film Dune. 

POLICE CALL OFF SEARCH FOR MATCHING SOCK

Westcumberlandshire Police today called off a massive hunt for a matching sock.

The search, which had involved 100 officers, was finally wound down last night.  A police spokesman commented: "We unfortunately have to accept that we'll never find the matching sock.  This type of disappearance is distressingly common, and we suspect a major eastern European sock trafficking ring may be involved. "

FASHION MAGAZINE ADMITS THAT ‘HIPSTER’ COVER STAR WAS JUST A BADLY DRESSED OLD MAN

A top fashion magazine was today forced into a humiliating apology after it admitted that its hot new cover star was in fact not a hipster, but just an old man in bad clothing.  The magazine editor apologized, saying he was ‘off his tits on coke’ and ‘could not really be held responsible for stuff’.

The elderly man, Arthur French from Chalfontshire, said he only agreed to sit for the photo as he thought  the advert he had replied to was for a ‘hip replacement’ not a hipster.

 

 

 

 

‘AN AREA THE SIZE OF BELGIUM’ NOT A UNIT OF MEASUREMENT COMPLAINS BELGIAN GOVERNMENT

At the UN today, the Belgian Foreign Minister complained about the use of the term “An area the size of Belgium. “  Henk Van der Vandeervan addressed the chamber, stating: “Whenever an ice shelf melts, or some rain forest is burnt, it is always described as ‘an area the size of Belgium’.  Frankly, people are getting suspicious.”

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAMME LAUCHED

The government today launched an initiative to protect British households from the attention door-stepping Jehovah’s witnesses.

  Details are secret, but the scheme will include relocating anyone who has been door-stepped more than twice and changing their identity.  To save money a limited number of new identities will be on offer: Derek Frapply for men and Helena Hope for women.  If money can be found, the Treasury may later add Kenneth and Daphne as naming options.

 The special relocation homes have no front door, thus preventing future doorstep evangelising (owners will however have to crawl in and out of their new home via the windows, but this is considered a small price to pay to avoid having to talk to two scary Christian dead-eyes called Chad for hours on end.)

Church of England coffee mornings are not covered under the scheme.

NEW SUPERCOMPUTER TO SIMULATE DONALD TRUMP'S HAIR

Scientist today announced they have started construction on the world’s most powerful supercomputer, in a bid to finally understand Donald Trump's hair.

A spokesman at Pease Pottage Technology Institute commented: “Until the construction of this computer, Trump’s hair has frankly been beyond the understanding of human science. It’s right up there with the Big Bang in terms of controversy and complexity.  We know that Trump's hair ‘exists’, but where does it start? Is it combed over from his ears? Or maybe up from his back? This new computer will finally solve these deep and troubling riddles. “

The new machine will be capable of calculating 10000000 mega-Trumps per second.

QUEEN OPENS BATTERSEA DOGGERS HOME

Her Majesty the Queen today open Britain’s first specially built retirement home for Doggers.  The facility in Battersea will allow Doggers over 65 to see out their days in dignity and comfort.  The rooms have a variety of special features - such as beds shaped like the rear seat of a Vauxhall Vectra – that will provide familiar surroundings to the former Doggers.

 

In her speech, the Queen spoke movingly: “One knows that the day will come when every Dogger will have to hang up their ankle bracelet, but thanks to this superb facility, the trauma of knowing One will never be sprawled across a car bonnet in an NCP in Newcastle is eased. “

Residents later presented the Queen with a steamed up car window.

 

 

 

 

DAILY MAIL READERS HOARD HEADLINES AS SNOW APPROACHES

A predicted cold spell has seen Daily Mail readers hoarding alarming headlines.  In some areas of Surrey fights in supermarkets and lines outside of petrol stations have become a common sight as Mail readers stockpile alarming headlines to see them though the cold snap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

SEMI-COLONS TO BE NEW DR WHO VILLAIN

As part of its 50^th Anniversary celebrations, producers have revealed that Semi-Colons are to be a new villain in the Dr Who universe.  A spokesman for the show revealed: “No one really knows what Semi-Colons are for, or where they came from.  Frankly, anyone apart Oxford Professors and Stephen Fry are afraid to use them.  Even when people use them as part of ‘winking smileys’ in texts, they do so with a little dread.  They’re the perfect villain. “

LEAKED LIB DEM REPORT: BRITAIN’S NUKES GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT

A leaked Liberal Democrat report has shed light on the party’s reasons for wanting to reduce Britain’s Trident nuclear missile submarine fleet from four to three vessels.  Senior party officials are now convinced that the current four ship fleet is ‘grammatically incorrect’, as the ‘tri’ in Trident suggests three not four submarines.

A Lib Dem spokesman - briefing off the record - confirmed the report’s existence, saying he was “terribly worried that the Russians might think we were trying to trick them.” He continued: “We must either reduce the number of subs to three or at least consider renaming them Quadrant or something.”

Senior Naval Sources were unimpressed by the report’s central argument, pointing out that the KGB can probably read Wikipedia on their iPhones and therefore know exactly how many subs there are.

PEOPLE WHO EAT MINCE PIES IN NOVEMBER TO LOSE WELFARE BENEFITS

A government spokesman today confirmed that people found eating mince pies before the first of December will lose their welfare benefits.  The spokesman commented: “I think we all know who these people are and they have only themselves to blame.  We all responsible for our own mince pie intake.  “

If successful the scheme could be extended to Yule Logs, though the Liberal Democrats are thought to oppose this.

There will also be an additional scheme to limit the size of inflatable snowman allowed outside of council properties.

ENTIRE POPULATION OF UK TO BE OVER 80 by 2050

The Office of National Statistic today published a report predicting that the entire population of the UK will be over 80 by 2050.   The ONS has said this information will act as an important tool for Government, especially in planning areas like hospitals and the production of own brand custard creams.

A spokesman for the ONS tried to allay fears of a fiscal crisis caused by 70 million pensioners, pointing out that their data suggest that a man in Cheam will still be of working age, though he may need to get a second job to shore up the Government’s tax income.