FASHION MAGAZINE ADMITS THAT ‘HIPSTER’ COVER STAR WAS JUST A BADLY DRESSED OLD MAN

A top fashion magazine was today forced into a humiliating apology after it admitted that its hot new cover star was in fact not a hipster, but just an old man in bad clothing.  The magazine editor apologized, saying he was ‘off his tits on coke’ and ‘could not really be held responsible for stuff’.

The elderly man, Arthur French from Chalfontshire, said he only agreed to sit for the photo as he thought  the advert he had replied to was for a ‘hip replacement’ not a hipster.

 

 

 

 

‘AN AREA THE SIZE OF BELGIUM’ NOT A UNIT OF MEASUREMENT COMPLAINS BELGIAN GOVERNMENT

At the UN today, the Belgian Foreign Minister complained about the use of the term “An area the size of Belgium. “  Henk Van der Vandeervan addressed the chamber, stating: “Whenever an ice shelf melts, or some rain forest is burnt, it is always described as ‘an area the size of Belgium’.  Frankly, people are getting suspicious.”

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAMME LAUCHED

The government today launched an initiative to protect British households from the attention door-stepping Jehovah’s witnesses.

  Details are secret, but the scheme will include relocating anyone who has been door-stepped more than twice and changing their identity.  To save money a limited number of new identities will be on offer: Derek Frapply for men and Helena Hope for women.  If money can be found, the Treasury may later add Kenneth and Daphne as naming options.

 The special relocation homes have no front door, thus preventing future doorstep evangelising (owners will however have to crawl in and out of their new home via the windows, but this is considered a small price to pay to avoid having to talk to two scary Christian dead-eyes called Chad for hours on end.)

Church of England coffee mornings are not covered under the scheme.

NEW SUPERCOMPUTER TO SIMULATE DONALD TRUMP'S HAIR

Scientist today announced they have started construction on the world’s most powerful supercomputer, in a bid to finally understand Donald Trump's hair.

A spokesman at Pease Pottage Technology Institute commented: “Until the construction of this computer, Trump’s hair has frankly been beyond the understanding of human science. It’s right up there with the Big Bang in terms of controversy and complexity.  We know that Trump's hair ‘exists’, but where does it start? Is it combed over from his ears? Or maybe up from his back? This new computer will finally solve these deep and troubling riddles. “

The new machine will be capable of calculating 10000000 mega-Trumps per second.

QUEEN OPENS BATTERSEA DOGGERS HOME

Her Majesty the Queen today open Britain’s first specially built retirement home for Doggers.  The facility in Battersea will allow Doggers over 65 to see out their days in dignity and comfort.  The rooms have a variety of special features - such as beds shaped like the rear seat of a Vauxhall Vectra – that will provide familiar surroundings to the former Doggers.

 

In her speech, the Queen spoke movingly: “One knows that the day will come when every Dogger will have to hang up their ankle bracelet, but thanks to this superb facility, the trauma of knowing One will never be sprawled across a car bonnet in an NCP in Newcastle is eased. “

Residents later presented the Queen with a steamed up car window.

 

 

 

 

DAILY MAIL READERS HOARD HEADLINES AS SNOW APPROACHES

A predicted cold spell has seen Daily Mail readers hoarding alarming headlines.  In some areas of Surrey fights in supermarkets and lines outside of petrol stations have become a common sight as Mail readers stockpile alarming headlines to see them though the cold snap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

SEMI-COLONS TO BE NEW DR WHO VILLAIN

As part of its 50^th Anniversary celebrations, producers have revealed that Semi-Colons are to be a new villain in the Dr Who universe.  A spokesman for the show revealed: “No one really knows what Semi-Colons are for, or where they came from.  Frankly, anyone apart Oxford Professors and Stephen Fry are afraid to use them.  Even when people use them as part of ‘winking smileys’ in texts, they do so with a little dread.  They’re the perfect villain. “